1.    You decide to buy a bible.  A new one.  You go to Barnes and Noble and stand there for TWO HOURS trying to decide which version to buy.  You nonchalantly pretend to check your cell phone as people walk by.  Because you really haven’t been standing here for TWO HOURS in this narrow aisle. You like the hot pink one “for women of faith” but you think you should probably buy the one “for mothers in this busy day”.  Because technically you don’t have any faith right now so you really shouldn’t buy the hot pink bible “for women of faith”.  Because you are a mother who wants to develop faith.  And you’re busy in this busy day.  But oh, how you love that hot pink one for “women of faith”.  In the end, you buy the Lee Strobel Case for Christ study bible because it looks really scientific and official.  Then you get home and realize it’s a big, clunky hardcover and you should totally have bought the hot pink one because it would have been way easier to read. 

2.    You pull up the Faith and Spirituality section on Netflix’s watch instantly.  You have the best intentions of actually learning something and developing some new faith on a new religious endeavor.  But soon you find yourself watching “Yanni Live”.  And making swooshing hand movements as you watch.  And flipping and whipping your hair back and forth like Yanni and that Willow Smith chic.  And liking it. 

3.    You go back to Barnes and Noble, deciding that you can’t just have ONE bible.  You need EVERY bible.  From every religion.  You leave with 17 books costing…a lot.  You don’t tell your husband where all these new books came from or how much they cost.  You also don’t tell him you previously rented 29 books from the library about religion and forgot to return them.  And have a large fine.  Upon getting home you lay all 17 books out on your bed stepping over the 29 you have yet to return to the library.  OR READ, for that matter.  You decide to start with the I Ching which has an artistic looking ying and yang symbol on the cover.

4.    Since you’re reading the I Ching you decide you’d better start meditating. Don’t they go hand in hand? 

5.    You read up on meditating.  And here’s where people who leave the Mormon church go ape wild.  Because they google “Buddhist monks” and BAM.  POW!  A plethora of articles about the Olympian mental powers of Buddhist monks shows up on your search.  You start with Wikipedia, naturally, since it comes up first which means it’s THE authority on things like Buddhist monks. 

6.    You realize Buddhist monks can do amazing things.  Like have freezing water poured on them as they mentally keep their body temperature WAY higher than normal to counteract the freezing.  As their brains are tracked by EEGs you read that they are exerting far more brain waves than normal people should.  You immediately wish you were a Buddhist monk.  You put a book about Buddhist monks on your Amazon wish list.  And The Intention Experiment by Lynne McTaggart pops up under “we think you’d like this book” which was written about in that third installment of Dan Brown’s Da Vinci Code trilogy.  You buy it, remembering that the lady in that book could do really cool things when she focused her thoughts. 

7.    You receive the book in the mail. You don’t ever get past the fifth chapter but you get the point.  In fact, your kids keep you hopping and life is so hectic so you don’t actually read ANY of the books you bought.   But you had good intentions and it’s the thought that counts.  You focus your thoughts the way you learned how to in the first five chapters of The Intention Experiment - willing the 17 + 29 unread spiritual books in your bedroom to filter into your brain via osmosis.  Or maybe it’s reverse osmosis. You don’t remember what it’s called since you skipped that day of chemistry.  No matter - you feel smarter each morning after doing this which is a telltale sign its working.

8.    You decide you should have bought a kindle instead of all those books because you actually haven’t read old fashioned books in a long time.  You always read everything on a computer screen.  You wonder why you didn’t think of this.  DUH.

9.    Determined to get your money’s worth you decide to read at least ONE of the 17 + 29 books you bought/rented from cover to cover.  You hem and haw and finally choose “Ancient Egypt” which was actually a book you’ve owned for years and not one of the 17 you bought or 29 you rented from the library.   Regardless of this minor fact, if an EEG was hooked up to your brain in this moment it would be overloaded.  Because these ancient people knew something.  You google “pyramids” and…it happens: you find yourself reading about nothing but the pyramids for weeks and weeks online.  You skip a shower for the first time in years because for once in your life you are too busy to shower because you are busy reading about the pyramids - full of purpose and direction in your life.  And this is some heavy @#$! so it’s totally worth skipping a shower over.  You soon become convinced they are not from humans.  Or maybe they are.  But one thing is certain – you know they are not dated correctly.  Now you need a book on carbon dating because you become fascinated by it.  Trust me - I know.  After several months of researching the Egyptians, carbon dating, and other random ancient people you come to the conclusion that they could move big rocks with their Buddhist monkish mental powers and built these megalithic structures with their minds.  You gasp as you conclude that Enoch must have built the pyramids using magnetic energy and his brain waves to lift the megalithic rocks!  After all, it’s the only logical explanation and you’ve been researching this stuff for SOME TIME.  Three months, even.  And wasn’t he taken up in a stream of light?  Or maybe a scroll.  He was taken up, anyhow, and probably in a lotus pose.  You make a mental note to perfect your lotus pose the next time you meditate.  You ponder over aliens and angels and that Nicholas Cage movie, Knowing. 

10.  Your research sends you on a rabbit trail.  Soon you are an expert on the Squatter man, Astrology, megalithic structures, sunspot activity, galactic alignment, the Egyptians, Aztecs, Piri Reis maps and the Mayan calendar. Oh, and Antarctica to boot! 

11.  After putting together all your academic research you come to the very logical conclusion that Atlantis is actually Antarctica.  Hidden, I mean, under all that ice.  You know from your careful studies that once upon a time it wasn’t cold in Antarctica/Atlantis and ancient smart people lived there and knew way more than we do today.  You realize Antarctica holds all the secrets of the Earth and you can’t understand for the life of you why scientists aren’t ALL OVER THIS DEVELOPMENT.

12.  You decide you need to take a minute to fill your husband in on this Atlantis/Antarctica thing because this is way cool.  Why this stuff isn’t in the history books is beyond your comprehension.  And you also need to tell him that in 2012 the magnetic poles will shift.  It’s a minor point compared to Atlantis/Antarctica but he still needs to know about it.  And that you’d better start planning a bunker of some sort.  You make a blueprint of ways you will fortify your house and basement and a master list of survival items.  Your kids will still be young, so you’ll need to include lots of toys to keep them from going stir crazy.  You tell him you can’t help him with the heavy work on the bunker but that you’ve solved the grand mystery of how to continue drinking your daily coffee whilst in the bunker, since you drink coffee these days:  You’ll buy powdered milk and stock up with a year’s supply of flavored syrup!  You could swear you heard a majestic “AHHHHHH” as you told him about the powdered milk.  

13.  Your husband listens as you tell him earnestly about Atlantis/Antarctica and your plan on how to survive 2012.  You don’t think he heard the same majestic “AHHHHH” you did but he does nod and widen his eyes as you speak.  Surely that wasn’t a look of amusement on his face, no!  It was most certainly the look of utter adoration for your troubles and all your research!  Soon after, you notice him letting you sleep in each day and asking gently here and there if you think you might be depressed.  Or something.  LOL.  As if!  Over the next several months he buys you several massage gift certificates and plans a few relaxation retreats for you.   So now in addition to all this free knowledge about the ancient smart people you get massages.  BONUS!    

14.  You continue your adamant research and excitedly write to NASA.  You get an answer from one of their Astro Physicists (Who write back! How cool is that?!) and you’re pleasantly surprised that you probably DON’T have to worry about using powdered milk in your daily coffee whilst in your 2012 bunker because they really don’t think this 2012 thing is going down after all.  The NASA Astro Physicist basically tells you not to worry because these Mayans had more Puntums after the Buktins or whatever their calendar measurements were called.  Some random ancient Mayan dude even calculated his calendar reign out to 4137 AD or some such nonsense!  So surely time can’t stop, the NASA Astro Physicist informs you, confidently.  

15.  Convinced there is something still intertwined with these ancient people and creation stories you buy The Math Book by Clifford Pickover.  You discover something called the Fibonacci sequence which is found all throughout nature.  It’s even the shape of your ear.  WOW.  “Hear me”, this creator is shouting at you, quite literally.  You don’t quite know what he’s saying but hey – that’s okay.  The ancient people did and you’re reading about them via reverse osmosis.  Same difference.